I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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