youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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