My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It's never too late to be topless.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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