I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Randomize
