some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
