he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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