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god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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