I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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