Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
