sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
