Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
