you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
