I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
