It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
