Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
