Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
