The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
