Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
