Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
