The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
