we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
