I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
