The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
