I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
