today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
