homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
