I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
This toilet bowl is my home.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
