You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
How's work?
Spinning.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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