We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
