I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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