I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
