It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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