i love accidental penises.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
