I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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