Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
