I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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