I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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