I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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