Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Everclear isn't food dammit
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
