I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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