If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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