I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just invented taco cereal.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
