And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
