Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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