I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
