It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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