That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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