I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
