my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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