Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i think my cat just said my name.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
