I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
