Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
