i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
